Monday, September 6, 2010

The Fat Procrastinator's prayer

Dear lord,

It's me again. How YOOOOOOUUUU doin'? Well, I am off to the gym again. As soon as I get ready. I took my shower about 4 hours ago. There was some really important email I was waiting on, so I had to check that.... Um, what am I going to fix for dinner tonight? Hmmm, I guess I'll have to get back to that one later.

Oh yeah- sorry! Zoned out there for a sec. Ok, back to prayers (clears throat) AHHH-HEM!
Ok, here goes.

So I got my shower 4 hours ago- check. Got my clothes ironed 3 hours ago- check. Because, you know, I just can't go ANYWHERE with wrinkles in my clothes! Not even the gym! I mean, I know I'm gonna just sweat all over them and stuff, but, you know what I mean. Dress to impress, right?

Wait a minute, I forgot to get something to eat! Oh crap, my blood sugar's dropping like a rock. BRB, Lord.

Okay. Sorry Lord, that bowl of Special K took me a little longer than I thought. And there was a rerun of this really awsome episode of "Friends" on. You know "The one where Rachael kisses Ross for the first time", or something like that. But I'm totally still going to the gym. I'm psyched! Totally.

Oh crap, I forgot about that load of laundry in the washer. I need to go grab it, put it in to dry, and start another load. Omygod! Oh crap- I am so sorry, oh powerful one! The hits just keep coming, don't they? I swear to- UH! I don't know when to keep my big trap shut sometimes! Okay, I will try to do better about that, I promise. Just please don't "strike me down", or however you do, what you do... uh, I don't know. You know what I mean.

ANYYYYYWAYYYYY- Gosh! back to my point. (glances at the clock) What? It's what time? Holy crap! NOPE! I didn't mean that! The "holy" part- strike that from the record, Lord!
(mutters to self) I'm gonna burn in hell for sure... ughhh...

So anywho, I'm on my way to the gym, as I was saying, before I stopped to stuff my piehole and watch a 10 or 12 year old "Friends" rerun I could have just as easily Tivo'd and BLASPHEMED my way through this totally lame prayer! Oh Lord, Great one, please tell me my name is on the golden list or the gate or whatever it is that you keep tabs on people's names that get into heaven... No, that's not my place. I am but your lowely servant, Lord. It is not my place to make those decisions, or ask you to make them, whatever. You know what I mean.

Ok, so it's been what, 5 1/2 hours now. I'm dressed, my hair is dry and styled. Just gotta put on the makeup! I think that puts me almost ahead of the game, eh? And the gym is still open for what, 3 more hours? I'm doing good.

So Lord, anyway, I better go. It's been nice talking to you. I think I am pumped up and ready to take on that treadmill now. Oh crap, I forgot, I was supposed to stop at the pharmacy and pick my prescription up! And we need a whole crap load of stuff from the grocery store. I better get going. I have to get all of this stuff done BEFORE I go to the gym! That is, if i make it there, which I don't see how in the world I have time now. I have so much to do! See how busy I am?

Ok, well, it's the thought that counts, right?


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