Sunday, September 12, 2010


Of course 9/11 is always gonna be a day a somber recognition. We KNOW we will NEVER forget. But yesterday, instead of sitting at home, watching the TV coverage of the commemoration ceremonies, we turned off the TV and went out into the world.

We went driving, and of course, noticed flags lowered. We got to the place where we were going to eat, and it was nice that all there was on the bigscreen above the counter was music videos.
We ate and enjoyed our meal, went walking around, looked at some antiques, even visited an adoption drive at the shelter located adjacent to the building. We petted puppies and kitties.  We cuddled them, we laughed. It was fun. And no one metioned what day it was.  We ventured to the grocery store afterward to pick up items for making beef stew for dinner. All the buzz was around the big games that were starting at 6, and everyone hurrying home with their snacks to watch. And no one mentioned what day it was.

We got home and I started to cook dinner and the games were turned on, we popped open a nice bottle of wine, and laughed and joked about whatever it was we were talking about, and the excitement of the game. And soon we all sat down with a bowl of homemade beef stew, and gave thanks, and enjoyed our night.

And no one mentioned what day it was.

It was so nice, not to have constant, in-your-face reminders on TV all day and night.  Or for people every single place you go to have to talk about it non stop. Forget? We will NEVER forget. We will always KNOW. We will always wear that scar. It was horrific and painful and I remember becoming physically ILL and overwhelmed at all that I saw on that day. And I knew that, on this day, every year after, we would mark the anniversary of that tragic day in our country's history. But I also knew that, in time, we would begin to heal. And the fact that my son and boyfriend and I were able to go through life on 9/11 this year and have a completely normal, happy day, was such a blessing. Because we know it was a gift, and how quickly that gift can be ripped away from us.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

FAKE people.. and the people who fall for their CRAP.

What can I say? What you see is what you get. I am not complicated. I call it like I see it. I say something, I OWN it.

That being said, FAKE PEOPLE SUCK. You know them. You may even BE one of them. People who say one thing to one person, another thing to another..

Somebody confides in them, then they turn around and tell that person's private biz to anyone with ears.

They act like they care, but then laugh at you behind your back.

They want everyone to believe they know all and have all the answers, but they really don't know jack shit.

Fake people SUCK. My advice, GET REAL. Live your life without artificial fillers and preservatives.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

IS MY FACE GLOWING?? ..and other joys of pre-menopause

OK, WTF? So i woke up this morning and my face feels like it is GLOWING. Like fire. I have been shakey and jittery and nervous too. And my boobs ache. Did I mention my boobs being sore?

Before you say, 'Oh! I bet your preganant!" BET AGAIN. Im not. No way in hell. I had a hystorectomy at age 29 due to a vicious case of Endometriosis eating away at my rusty innerds.

I am 38 now, about to be 39 in two weeks. Is this possible? I've  been having really super weird dreams too. What is wrong with me?

Oh shit. Here it comes again. This time I am super nauseated. And I feel like I need to go take a shower.
And my face is breaking out. Like, teenage acne style. Somebody, diagnose me, dammit!

KARMA is a BITCH- and she's ON THE RAG!

So last night, one of my cousins, who is the sweetest, most kind, giving human being I know, tweets that he got robbed. Fortunately, no one was home, but they kicked his doors in "Home invasion style" as if they were expecting them to be there, and probably fully prepared to do harm if necessary.

They trashed his house. He and his kids just moved in a couple of months ago and he has been working really hard at making this place a comfortable home. This man works himself into the ground, is a self made business success story, and would give anyone the shirt off of his back if he thought it would help them. He is a single dad of 4 children, all in high school, one in college.

And then some assholes stroll in off the street and houserape him. Angry? Oh yes, we are all angry.

But you know what? KARMA is a bitch. And she's on the RAG...

THESE LOSERS may have made off with items he can replace, but they also took something he cant... Cameras with pictures that hadn't been downloaded yet. Pictures of his children growing up. Tv's and cameras and video games can be replaced. But the pictures are sacred. You just don't go there with somebody's kids. They stole from his children, they stole something of his children from him. And that is just plain WRONG.

Patience, cousin dear. They WILL get what's coming to them, one way or another, and when they least expect it.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010


If you or someone you know is a DOG, don't get caught BARKING in the city of Lebanon, Tennessee. The Lebanon City Council is set to hear a motion at the next meeting that would pave the way for an ordinance to take effect that would allow EUTHANASIA as punishment for dogs who BARK too much  and/or too loudly.

Way to go, Lebanon. This is gonna be great for tourism. If this passes, I am moving out of Tennessee. And I don't even live in Lebanon or care if it is a local ordinance that doesn't affect me and mine. Im leaving.
There are plenty of PEOPLE who "bark" on a regular basis, but we don't give them the electric chair just because they won't shut up. This is, in a word, BULLSHIT. On behalf of the dogs of Lebanon, Tennessee, I am deeply offended and embarassed that my race would threaten you with death for your inability to suppress your natural instinct.  

3D tv's.. Isn't what's in the Idiot Box SUPPOSED to look "Pretend"

3D television freaks me out. Pretty soon, we are going to become a nation of cross- eyed masturbating couch potatoes that never leave the house because we can't tell what is real and what is not anymore.

Not to mention the glasses. My eyes hurt after just 3-5 minutes of wearing them. Great, now I just paid $3500 for a TV that made me go blind. Not a very good return on my investment.

There is nothing special about 3D anymore. It used to be that we saw it here and there in movies on the big screen, or on a ride at an amusement park. That was fun. Now, it's everywhere, all the time. Yawn.

If I wanted to pay for the privledge of having people and objects come flying at me from out of my TV, I'd go downtown and buy a hit of acid. 3D tv, no thank you.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Somebody PLEASE buy Paris Hilton a pack of chewing gum..

It's obvious to me that Paris Hilton could never have chewed one piece of gum in her LIFE. Why? Because she ACTUALLY expected us to believe that she mistook that CRACK ROCK in her purse for a piece of gum. Really? Really Paris? I smell a Wrigley's endorsement in the works...

Right place, But it musta' been the wrong time..

File this one under "Right place, wrong time. Or maybe it WAS the right time."
In my town, it was reported on the early morning news one day that 3 large criminal males pulled up to a convienience store in a shiney new Hummer H3 SUV just after 1 am. A store employee was on her break, had just taken the trash to the dumpster, and was quote "Just standing by the gas pumps, smoking a cigarette" (((Needle on the record goes "EEEEEERRRRRRR!" And comes to a screeching halt)))

Errrr, M'Kay. We'll come back THAT little gem in a sec. Continuing.

So the attendant is outside, minding her business, just tokin' away, when these 3 big burley guys pull up in their Hummer, jump out, waving their shiny new guns, yelling obscenities, fully intent on robbing the place.

They instructed the store clerk to " get her A** in the store and give them the money"- to which she didn't bat an eyelash. She strolled on in, a smile upon her face. And she didn't appear afraid- not in the least! How did this "cool cucumber" keep on smiling, even in the face of danger?

This Lucky band of merry criminals pulled into and attempted to rob one of 5 area convenience stores that were the target of an undercover investigation into Underage drinking sales. At this particular store, on this particular night, and at this particular moment, there just happened to be no less than 13 undercover agents from local Police, Sherriff's Department, and the ATF were staking out the place. These idiot robbers walked straight into the Lion's den!

As for the Clerk who was just hanging out by the gas pumps, "smoking"...
1) any sane person knows this is NOT a good idea.
2)They put those stickers on the gas pump for a reason. READ THEM.
3)Even if the police hadn't been there, she could have defended herself by tossing her cigarette down at the pump and blowing them sky high!

WEAK-ASS women, and the men who love to walk all over them...

A friend of mine calls me up, crying and boo-hooing about how hurt and humilliated she feels because she caught her man cheating. AGAIN. the fact that this apparently was NOT the first time it happened was news to me. I asked her why she hadn't told me about this before? And, moreover, to DUMP that A**hole immediately, do not pass go, do not collect $200 dollars, you know...

And then she dropped the nugget on me that made totally loose respect and any sympathy I might have had for her-

She, in the same breathe, turns to punish herself for his "indickscretions" by saying.. "hmmm, well, now that I think about it, he was within his rights under our "agreement"...."

Um, I'm sorry- what did you say again?

" What are you talking about? This guy is a SNAKE! He's a total jerk! What a minute- WHAT AGREEMENT?" I asked, in a total ball of confusion.

"Oh yeah," she sniffed, the snot and tears audibly still draining from her orafaces.

'We have this "agreement" between us that we each get 3 chances to cheat in our relationship before we get married. If one or the both of us gets to number 3 before we get married, the wedding's TOTALLY off."

" You are a TOTAL lunatic! What the h- have you considered counseling? because-"
"Oh no, we don't need counseling, this is like our own kind of therapy. It totally keeps us in check." she rationalized.

"NOT you and him, doormat! I'm talking about YOU! Normal people don't have agreements like these!! Do you realize you have given him a license to do 3 random drive- by hook-ups with your full blessing!?"

" No, not really! See, we agreed.."

"NO, YOU agreed. Meanwhile he's busy using these other chicks for target practice for your wedding night!!! UGHHH!"

She went on for 10 minutes, trying to rationalize this idiotic scenario. I think she needed to convince herself so bad that she was doing the right thing, that the more she talked about it, the more she realized how stupid and pathetic she sounded.
So, I had an idea. To prove what a worthless piece of crap this guy was, I had another friend call him up, and she told him this big B.S. story about how she was all "on the D.L. and that she had been eyeballing him for so long , but that she was too afraid to ask for it herself, and that she didn't want to hurt his girl, but maybe they could hook it up sometime..

My friend listened to this whole exchange, as her "man" (using that term very loosley here) proceeded to set up the date, the place and the time for the hookup.

I told her "See, that was number 3. Now you don't have to marry him! Thank God!"

To which my FORMER friend said, " Yeah, well, see- THAT didn't count because it's not gonna happen. It's not REALITY."

I gave up on this girl after a while. I just couldn't take all the whining ang crying and complaining about her failed relationships anymore. I can't fix her.
I think it is so sad when a woman (or man) feels so LITTLE respect for themsleves that they will allow their partner to abuse them AND their trust this way.
We have to STOP being our own victims and realize that we deserve BETTER. We deserve the BEST. What we DON'T deserve is a man (or woman) who's only gonna give us the best STD they can muster in return for all of our love and loyalty.
BTW? This girl can no longer have children because of the STD's he gave her. She is scarred so badly, she can't conceive. Was it worth it? Oh well, at least she still has HIM, right? Geesh. I think I'm gonna be sick.

The Fat Procrastinator's prayer

Dear lord,

It's me again. How YOOOOOOUUUU doin'? Well, I am off to the gym again. As soon as I get ready. I took my shower about 4 hours ago. There was some really important email I was waiting on, so I had to check that.... Um, what am I going to fix for dinner tonight? Hmmm, I guess I'll have to get back to that one later.

Oh yeah- sorry! Zoned out there for a sec. Ok, back to prayers (clears throat) AHHH-HEM!
Ok, here goes.

So I got my shower 4 hours ago- check. Got my clothes ironed 3 hours ago- check. Because, you know, I just can't go ANYWHERE with wrinkles in my clothes! Not even the gym! I mean, I know I'm gonna just sweat all over them and stuff, but, you know what I mean. Dress to impress, right?

Wait a minute, I forgot to get something to eat! Oh crap, my blood sugar's dropping like a rock. BRB, Lord.

Okay. Sorry Lord, that bowl of Special K took me a little longer than I thought. And there was a rerun of this really awsome episode of "Friends" on. You know "The one where Rachael kisses Ross for the first time", or something like that. But I'm totally still going to the gym. I'm psyched! Totally.

Oh crap, I forgot about that load of laundry in the washer. I need to go grab it, put it in to dry, and start another load. Omygod! Oh crap- I am so sorry, oh powerful one! The hits just keep coming, don't they? I swear to- UH! I don't know when to keep my big trap shut sometimes! Okay, I will try to do better about that, I promise. Just please don't "strike me down", or however you do, what you do... uh, I don't know. You know what I mean.

ANYYYYYWAYYYYY- Gosh! back to my point. (glances at the clock) What? It's what time? Holy crap! NOPE! I didn't mean that! The "holy" part- strike that from the record, Lord!
(mutters to self) I'm gonna burn in hell for sure... ughhh...

So anywho, I'm on my way to the gym, as I was saying, before I stopped to stuff my piehole and watch a 10 or 12 year old "Friends" rerun I could have just as easily Tivo'd and BLASPHEMED my way through this totally lame prayer! Oh Lord, Great one, please tell me my name is on the golden list or the gate or whatever it is that you keep tabs on people's names that get into heaven... No, that's not my place. I am but your lowely servant, Lord. It is not my place to make those decisions, or ask you to make them, whatever. You know what I mean.

Ok, so it's been what, 5 1/2 hours now. I'm dressed, my hair is dry and styled. Just gotta put on the makeup! I think that puts me almost ahead of the game, eh? And the gym is still open for what, 3 more hours? I'm doing good.

So Lord, anyway, I better go. It's been nice talking to you. I think I am pumped up and ready to take on that treadmill now. Oh crap, I forgot, I was supposed to stop at the pharmacy and pick my prescription up! And we need a whole crap load of stuff from the grocery store. I better get going. I have to get all of this stuff done BEFORE I go to the gym! That is, if i make it there, which I don't see how in the world I have time now. I have so much to do! See how busy I am?

Ok, well, it's the thought that counts, right?



Why is it that, Sunday is supposed to be the day of rest and worship (ok, there's the whole Saturday thing too, but, since Sunday is the more widely recognized day...)why then, is it that we seem to pack MORE into our Sundays than any other day of the week?

Think of all the stuff that happens on Sundays:( BESIDES the MONSTER TRUCK NATIONALS at the COLLUSIUM? )

1)Church. IF you are the Church-going type. You gotta get your clothes ready (This usually takes me at least 3 hours) You have to GET ready- shower, hair make-up (and don't forget the deoderant!)

2)You have to actually GO to Church. This includes getting breakfast ready, or stopping for it, and eating it. And wiping at least some substance from it off of those nice church clothes you just spent 3 hours preparing. (Can I say 2 words- BABY WIPES! They are better than ANY stain stick, and will get almost ANYTHING out of any fabric! They even take Kool-Aide stains out of most carpet!)

3)Arrive at church, greet people, dodge people ( C'mon- you KNOW you do it!)
find a seat in the BACK. That's where EVERYBODY wants to sit! You can get away with so much more stuff back there! it's great- You don't have to sing, or, at least you can mumble your way through the Hymns and people don't know the difference. You can chew gum, blow your nose, AND you can whisper about why "Suzy" is sittin' here in the Lord's house dressed like she came straight from the Headbanger's Ball!

4) STAY AWAKE in Church. Don't EVEN... You know it and I know it- we all doze off every now and again!

5) Exit Church dodging same people as you were on the way in.

6)Go visit with "The Fam" for Sunday dinner, supper, lunch, whatever you call it, wherever you are. We all go, hardly any of us feel like it but do so because Grandma Bernice isn't gettin' any younger and won't we feel guilty if she keeled over tomorrow and we didn't take 20 minutes out of our busy lives to go have Fried Chicken and Pecan Pie with her. Cut an old lady some slack! Make her happy! C'mon!!! You also spend the next 2 hours dodging family members from room to room, avoiding listening to their opinions (for the UMPTEENTH time) on everything from your love life to what brand of toilet tissue you should be using to keep your septic tank from backing up. FINALLY, you pack up the leftovers and you're off to the store. BYE! (Whew!) You're OUTTY 5000. 

7)Hurry to the store for snacks for tonight and stuff for the kids' lunch this week. 

8)ATTEMPT to dodge SAME people from Church, now at the grocery store. ARE THESE PEOPLE FOLLOWING YOU? Great, they're in line behind you at the check-out, starring a hole in the back of your head. Now you have no choice but to turn around, totally fake a look of suprise on your face like you had no idea they were there. "OH HEY... YOU! How are ya!" And then they ask you why you didn't speak to them at church today, before, during, or after...And then you totally make up a story about how your mind must have been somewhere else and you've had alot on it, and you TOTALLY must have just missed them or something! (You're such a LIAR LIAR, Pants on fire!)

9) Spend next 15-25 minutes just outside the entrance to the grocery store, ice cream melting in the bag, listening to the church people you spent all day dodging tell you pointless stories about trouble at the little league field and how little Jimmy is doing in band.

10) Get groceries home. Ice cream is now frothy slush. Get Hot wings and Cheese sticks in oven, turn on football game. Wash dishes from the last 3 days, do laundry, answer phone 96 times from family members calling to "check in" and "just say hi" because "it's Sunday." Game is already at Half-time. Who's winning? Who knows? NOT YOU, because you are busy doing all the stuff that nobody else will get off their A** and do for themselves.

11) Iron clothes for the week. Your's, the Kids', you draw the line at your lazy husband's wardrobe. He's a big enough baby. Let him do it himself!

12) It's 11pm. Game's over. Still don't know who won because you were busy doing everybody else's chores, and your kids had to turn it to watch "The Simpsons". Channel never got changed back. Oh well.

13) It's Midnight. It's Monday. It's bedtime. So much for the day of rest. Oh well- there's always NEXT SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!

Insomnia, Inc.

Ahhhh, bedtime. That magical time of night when we all become little sleepyheads. We brush our teeth, we put on something snuggly and comfy (or, if you are like me- something old and tattered that looks like your dog has been playing tug of war with it.)

Ahhh, sleep. Your eyes close, and you begin to feel yourself drift away to dreamland. Sometimes the transition is smooth. Sometimes the landing might be a little bumpy- like when you start to fall alseep and you're barely there, when all of a sudden:

AHHH! You're falling! And the sheer terror jolts you wide awake!
But, you settle back in just as quickly. OR NOT.

See, if you are like me, you have INSOMNIA. Doesn't that just sound like a name they give a crazy person that doesn't sleep? INSOMNIA... It sounds like some sleep deprived zombie or something.

You can close your eyes. You can toss from side to side, front to back. You can put pillows over your face.
(Great, just what you need- if the lack of sleep doesn't get you, maybe the SMOTHERING YOURSELF TO DEATH will do the trick!!!)

You know more about the nightlife of the dogs in the neighborhood than any human ever should.

Tv ON. Tv OFF. Tv ON. Tv OFF.

Your body and mind are locked in a game of "Say Uncle"...

And then there's that CLOCK. That stupid, ugly clock. Just sitting over there on the dresser. MOCKING you. Laughing at you. Taunting you. Reminding you about how it is keeping, with digital accuracy, tabs on every precious millisecond of sleep that you are having robbed from you!

And then, just when you FINALLY just give it up, and your mind just shuts down and says to your body, "Ok, you win! I give up! UNCLE! UNCLE!" Your body has finally twisted the arm of your mind (did that make sense?) It's OVER. You, my friend, are ASLEEP.

You just settle into that place where you feel warm and floaty and comfy.. Then, as one last slap in the face, that alarm clock goes off.


You spring out of bed and attack the clock- beating it to death to get the alarm to stop..

Why won't it shut off?
You throw it! That'll teach you to mess with me, stupid clock!

It's over. INSOMNIA wins again. Another night stolen by the sleep bandit.
Oh well, there's always tomorrow night.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Random word to the wise for today: THE WALLS HAVE EARS!

Nosey-Ass people are EVERYWHERE. Make no mistake. No matter where you are, at work, on the internet, wherever, there is ALWAYS going to be some lame person who has nothing better to do than to listen to your private business and then BROADCAST it to everyone.

These are usually people who have no life, are attention whores, desperate to be noticed for 5 minutes while they bend your ears with the latest gossip. They want SO BADLY to "be" somebody, and if spreading news you would rather keep quiet is what  gets them the attention they crave, they will throw you under the bus and tell all of your business to the first person willing to listen to it.

Fair warning, keep your eyes peeled and your lips hushed. The walls have ears. Which are attatched to lips, that are attached to gums that FLAP every chance they get.

The most dangerous trip to Buffalo Wild Wings..Ever.

So my boyfriend and I are rabid Alabama  Crimson Tide fans. Say what you will, team rivalry is fun and I welcome it. Unless that rivalry come with threats of real bodily harm. Now, that is just taking it too far. Let me explain..

I walked into our neighborhood Buffalo Wild Wings late Saturday afternoon to pick up our dinner order. We had decided to dine at home because our game was being shown on Pay-Per-View and we didn't want to fight the crowds at the restaurant. Little did I know that the crowds might want to fight ME just for having the fortitude to wear my CRIMSON TIDE t-shirt in public.

BWW was, at that moment, showing the Tennessee Volunteers football game on Pay-Per-View, and the whole place was awash in a sea of orange and white. Needless to say, I stuck out like a sore thumb..
As team rivalries go, I am used to this on game days, and thought nothing of it. Until I went into the ladies restroom whilst my order was being prepared, passing 2 female Tennessee fans. And then, just as I entered my bathroom stall, one of them said, "Bama bitch. We oughtta beat her ASS for wearing that shirt in here right now!"

Again I say, team rivalries are perfectly healthy and fun, full of school spirit and whatnot. But threatening to "Beat my ass" for wearing a Bama t-shirt? Really? First, I would have liked to see them TRY. They don't know me very well, do they?  But mostly, how utterly RIDONKULOUS.

(For those who don't know what "ridonkulous" means, it is about 10 levels above and beyond your ordinary "ridiculousness".)

I know that this sort of smack talk happens 8 days a week, especially during football season. And you might even expect this kind of talk from youngsters. But as adults, we know that, at the end of the day it is just a game.. Or we should know this, anyway.

Did I mention that these 2 female Tennessee fans we ELDERLY women, both of which looked not to be a day under the age of retirement?

I took care of my business, got my order and left BWW, unscathed. But how sad that is. How sad that some people can take something that should be FUN and twist it to that point. To say they were lacking class would have been an understatement.
More than this? They were lacking in TRUE "Team Spirit".... EPIC TEAM SPIRIT FAIL!

Who cares WHAT I think? YOU DO.

And my guess is, that is why you are here, "Dahling". Here we are at day one, and you want to know a little about me, right? Of course you do.

I was married, then divorced, then a devout follower of the school of "Never again".. Ok, so a chick can changer her mind, which I did, and I am now in a relationship that is still going strong, 1.5 years and counting.

My crowning achievement thus far? Being a mother to a 15 year old rock star/ football star. This kid is SICK with the talent and skills and I couldn't be happier that my gene pool produced such a beautiful, NORMAL, God-gifted creature. They say you shouldn't be "Friends" with your kid, but I think that's b.s., if you raised them right in the first place. If they RESPECT you FIRST as their parent, they will always be your best friend. It's the best of both worlds.

I'm coming up on my 39th birthday this month. One more year of my 30's. Hard to believe. Instead of bitching and moaning about getting older, I really don't think about it that much at all. I just find it hard to believe, because it seems like only a couple of years ago I was entering my 20's...Oh well, what are you gonna do?

Here is MY goal. Ask me my opinion on ANYTHING. I've always been told that I am a great listener and give such sage advice.  I think it has to do with my keen ability to HEAR all components of a situation and dissect them into smaller pieces, and help those who want my help to put the pieces back together into a WHOLE solution.
I didn't have to go to school to learn how to do this, I am simply a self-taught know it all who has the potential to save you alot of money on therapy... lol!

In the meantime, I will infuse my blog with amusing little anecdotes and observations of my day to day life for you to enjoy!

Until next post, feel free to fire an email to me at!